Biographical Narrative

I was early. I tried the first door and it was locked as I figured it was. I started my laps around the building. I did this on cold days to keep warm as I waited to be let in. As I came up on the second door, I tried it. Through the tinted glass door, I could see a figure hop up from the couch inside and rush toward it. I stepped back as Alyssa greeted me.
I was surprised to see her there. "Hey, you," I smirked, stepping inside and standing beside the couch as she returned to it. We chatted as she fiddled with her phone. To be honest, I don't remember what we spoke about.
"They're almost here," she announced, almost randomly as she received another text. I stood, slightly dumbfounded to who she was talking about. During our conversation I had wanted to ask why she was there but those words never left my throat.
'Duh, Dumbass,' I thought to myself. 'She's your chaperon."
Within a few minutes, the missionaries arrived and with them, was a third young man of which I couldn't help but notice, had an unusually small head relative to the width of his shoulders. I looked back to Alyssa and wondered if she were staying after all. I had never had two chaperons before.
She did stay and I sat on the couch beside her while the missionaries brought up three chairs. My shyness didn't allow me to make eye contact with the young man the Elders had brought with them. Like many of my chaperons, he was ignored by me, only allowed to listen and never to be engaged. Alyssa was the exception for I knew her well and had known her since high school.
"How's it going, Laura?" Elder Evans asked as we went along with the ritual of shaking hands. Elder Evans was another who seldom received eye contact from me. I had been uncomfortable from the beginning with having to address both missionaries and several lessons ago, I had chosen to treat them as one person, choosing Elder MacPherson's face for said person.
"This is our man, Sammy D. He's back from his mission."
I wouldn't have been surprised if this Sammy D. had still been a missionary. The only difference between his attire to those of the Elders was a lack of name tag. I began to wonder if I was supposed to be dressing up for these lessons. I looked to Alyssa. Didn't seem to be.
Mr. Sammy D. and I shook hands as is customary and then we both sat.
We had a table between us this time. This made me feel safer oddly, more comfortable, more capable to address both missionaries instead of just Elder Macpherson today. Elder Evans brought out his zip bag full of paper cut outs and my intelligence began to feel mocked but I played along and found that it actually helped to understand the idea my father had tried to failed to explain so many times before.
My eyes kept darting to my left, across to Sammy D. He wasn't like the boy, Bobby, they had brought with them before.

***

"This seat taken?"
The nerves fired and my gut twisted. I had liked it better last week when our chairs had been arranged in rows. I could sit in a corner and hide then. Now we were in a circle and everyone could see me. "No," I said, looking up. For once I could put a name to a face. His head didn't seem so small this time and I came to realize that that wasn't the problem at all. His suit jacket made his shoulders stick out too far. Her certainly wasn't a bad looker though.
My eyes returned to the Gospel Principles book the missionaries had given me this morning. My driver had left me alone this time, alone to fend for myself and this was my self defense.
People were talking, stating their names. They came to me. "Laura Clawson," I mumbled, glancing across them and then back down.

(UNFINISHED)

Hostilities

Its ebbing inside of me again, this despair, this dislike for myself. And as these feelings of dislike enter my mind, I begin to remember what I've learned in the last few months, knowing that I shouldn't be doing this to myself and I hate myself even more. Oh, the joy of endless spirals, roller coasters if you will.
I feel it more day by day, this hostility, these feeling of being unwanted at home. So I spend all of my time outside of the house, I spend time with Sammy, I go to school, to church, to Nakia's house. And why does this make things worse for me the few times that I am home? My mother dislikes me as a person and my father dislikes my being home. I feel sick inside as I wake in the mornings, hearing them speak about me so I pretend to sleep, lying in bed until Mom goes to work and Dad goes back to bed for his nap. Often times, I end up falling asleep before these things happen and when I wake again, I hate that I've wasted much of my day.
I pray for help, help with employment. I fasted three times in a two week period for this. Now that I have found employment, I now worried about how I'm to find appointments to schedule and also how I'm to juggle this into my already complicated schedule. I need this job to pay well, well enough for a small apartment but even apartments in CA require a room-mate. I need to be away from this environment. Its poison to me. I love my family, but I've truly had enough of this.

How I Wonder

You asked me why I joined the church and at first I thought you were accusing me of joining only for you. Still, though, I wonder...
You didn't know the person I was, how ugly, how vengeful, how vindictive and angry. And even now I hide the fear. How I wonder what you'd think of me if only you'd known me before I found this happiness, this revelation, this truth. If you saw these scars and I told you what they were from. If you knew what gave me the title, "Survivor," and why the only songs I know how to sing are the sad ones...
But I want you to know this, I did not join for you, I joined for the things I'm too scared to reveal. You're only the second best thing to ever happen to me. The first happened under the water...

New Beginnings Indeed

I'm gonna have to start doing daily blogs as much stuff has been happening lately. Today was my baptism and tomorrow is my confirmation. It was just so wonderful.
President Evans presided, Ashton conducted, Amanda played piano and Toren conducted. They were great.
I picked "I Am a Child of God" and "Ring Out, Wild Bells" as my hymns. I love those songs. Sammy was so sweet as he did the Talk on Baptism. "How are you?" he asked like he was just any other guy.
"You're so mean," I responded. I love that boy. I kept smiling as he spoke and I felt so much joy and he expressed how proud he was. My grandmother did the Talk of the Holy Ghost and she really did bring a tear to my eye as she talked about her experiences. I couldn't wait for a day that I could say similar things to maybe my child or my child's child. I love her. My grandfather baptized me.
The water was cold on the surface, warm below. As I fell through the cold water into the warm water under its surface, I didn't physically open my eyes but I felt as if I could see above me, like a small tunnel with a faint glow at the end. I came up and I gasped, staring in front of me for a while as the water dripped from my hair and into my eyes. I laughed.
I wrote my testimony ahead of time and this is what I wrote:

“Now, we will compare the word unto a seed.  Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves – It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.”

-          Alma 32:28

            The Sister Missionary watched me as I read these words from her Book of Mormon and when I finished, she asked me, “Does that apply to what you’ve been through?”

            I half smiled and I told her, “Pretty much word for word.”

            I must think of that moment every day now and of all days, especially today. It was one day before three weeks into my “investigation” of the church and it was the moment where I knew in my heart that this day would happen.

            The seed wasn’t planted then as I’ve come to realize but instead, has laid dormant for years as it must lay in us all until we realize it needs watering and for us to open up enough for it to get the sunlight. I learned a little; it was watered. I read some; it was fertilized. I prayed a lot and the sunlight nearly blinded me. It burned away my fears and my meaningless worries and it left behind a small green plant that at first I didn’t know what to do with.  And as it grew, so did I. As it changed, I changed a little. I grew happier. I worried less. I even found new friendships.

            But all of these things were nothing to the new knowledge I had come to know. I woke one morning and instead of waking grudgingly, thinking about what I had to do that day, I thought something I felt very unusual at first. I thought, “How lucky are we to live in a time where we have the Atonement made by Jesus Christ, rather than in a time before it.” And as I’ve been learning of Baptisms and Baptisms of the Dead, I think, “How lucky are we to live in a time after the Restoration of this church, rather than before it.” And I’m glad to be alive in this day and age. I’m glad to be baptized today.

            So I must say, “It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.” And I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

As I read the scripture, I was surprised that I didn't stammer once as I read them. I usually stammer over the unusual grammar and phrases in the Book of Mormon or the Bible but this morning, I felt the words slide across my tongue smoothly.

After the baptism, we munched on cookies brought by Sister Evans and we talked. I overheard several guys telling Sammy, "You got a good girl there," They don't know that I'm the lucky one. And before we left, Sammy and I kissed and several Sisters behind us made lil' noises. "Now I don't have to ask!" one cried. Lol. Its so funny.

So yeah, my confirmation is tomorrow. Sammy's gonna do that too. He's great. And yes, for those who haven't quite gotten it yet, we've been dating officially a week now but by as much time as we've spent together, its been more like three.

Christmas and New Years

Wow, did the holidays fly on by. It's kinda insane, you know? I mean, its just crazy.

Christmas was small, just the immediate family. Unusually, my family got me a Nintendo DS for Christmas and my best friend, Nakia got me some games to go along with it. I also got a gold angel necklace with the Angel Prayer on the back of it. I haven't taken the necklace off since I got it and I'm nearly addicted to Nintendogs and I've gotten halfway through Kingdom Hearts. Can't wait to finish it.
The next Sunday, I got to talking to this guy, Sammy D, during the Munch and Mingle after church. He asked me if I was going Swing Dancing. I had to stop and think. This guy has sat next to me during the last two Sundays during Gospel Principles class and now he was talking to me about a dance on Friday. I looked up at him and thought, "Dude, you're flirting with me, aren't you?" It had been a while, but I still know how to flirt. Stupid giggling. A lot of "Oh, really?"s. And a bit of that thing where you pay attention to someone else while they're talking. I still have no idea why this works and most of the time I'm doing it by accident. Boys are weird.
So he was to pick me up at 7:30 and we'd go dancing. But until then, I was left questioning, was this a date or just a Mormon boy being nice and going out to hang out?
New Years Eve came and Nakia and I took a lil trip out to Old Sacramento to participate in the festivities. While there, we got a couple of quotes from tattoo artists and I've finally picked mine. We're hoping to get an appointment for Jan 15. Can't wait.
While in Old Sac, Sammy called. Now we were going to dinner. Date, no doubt now. lol.
So Nakia and I explored our favorite place and you'd be amazed how packed this place is on New Years Eve. Especially "Candy Heaven." It was difficult to move around while sampling my favorite caramels.
Sammy picked me up at 6 and we went to dinner, talking more than eating, and then it was off to this old Dance Studio in Downtown Sac on K Street, not far from Old Sac. The first hour consisted of a lesson where they taught us the dance. It was an old school dance, the kind you see on TV during old 50s movies. Some people were even doing the Charleston. It was insane and I was sooooo bad at it! And him! He could have told me before I began to embarrass myself that he's been doing this since he was 14! 8 years of dance?!
I finally started to the hang of it and on the dance floor upstairs, he showed me some more moves, complicating this already complicated dance even further. It was way too much fun! I loved it, even when I was messing up. At the end of each song, he'd spin me in so that his arm was around me and my back was to him and we'd stay like that until we caught our breaths. When my feet began to hurt or when his ankle began to give trouble, we'd find a seat and talk. He told me how his parents met and how he was born in France, the youngest of six.
Five minutes until the ball dropped, we were all given a glass of sparkling cider and outside the window, the fireworks over Old Sac started. I've stayed up for a lot of New Years but I've never really enjoyed it like this. It was just: "It's dropping.... it's done? Okay, going to bed."
We kept dancing until 12:30 before deciding to go home. We sat in the car in front of my house for I don't know how long, listening to music and talking. When on my front porch step, I took the move.... and missed. I hugged him and reached up, kissing him on the corner of his mouth. It was dark and that hid the embarrassment. It was 2 in the morning when I walked in.
The whole ten months I was with Umiker, I never had a date that was so much fun. I mean, we never even went to prom or out to eat. It was always just hanging at his house, in his room, watching TV or being made fun of.
I'm going hiking with Sammy tomorrow. I can't wait.
Oh! And I've picked the date for my baptism! So I hope to see you all at the Weismann building on Jan 22, 11am!
Well, now I have to start my new commission piece. $110.00, sweet huh?

Temples, Flash Mobs, and Evacuations, Oh My!

The last few days, what insanity! And to think I'm about to type it all. Take a restroom break, grab a snack, this is gonna be a LOOOOOONG one!
*waits for all readers to return*
All right? Ready? Well hurry up then! Okay! Here we go!

Saturday: The Temple Trip.
So the church rented a "party bus" and after cleaning the YSA church house, we took the 2 hour trek out to Oakland to visit the Temple there. We took a tour of the Christmas lights.

It was wet, and foggy and sooooo pretty in person but unfortionately, terrible for cameras! We went into the Visitor's Center to watch the Joesph Smith movie, at the end of which, I was soooo mad! No one told me he was killed! Not cool!
After the movie and after we stuffed outselves with pizza, we explored the grounds again and I took a ton of pictures, all of which can be found on my facebook. Because of the wetness, we sought shelter within the Visitor's Center once more and looked at all the pretty paintings. It was during which, I was approached by a sister missionary with probably one of the most interesting accents I've ever heard. What it was, I regret to say, I don't know. I must have talked with her for more than half an hour, telling her about my life and how it was that I began to seek the church. And she showed me a scripture I hadn't gotten to yet (I'm still reading Mosiah) and its now my new favorite:

Now, we will compare the word

unto a seed. Now, if ye give place,

that a seed may be planted in your

heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or

a good seed, if ye do not cast it out

by your unbelief, that ye will resist

the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will

begin to swell within your breasts;

and when you feel these swelling

motions, ye will begin to say within

yourselves - It must needs be that

this is a good seed, or that the word

is good, for it beginneth to en-

lighten my understanding, yea, it

beginneth to be delicious to me.

- ALMA 32:28

I'm actually thinking of drawing or even trying my hand at painting something to represent this scripture. Yes, I think I shall.

We arrived back at the church house and President Evans drove some of us girls home. He was chatty and asked us our favorite parts.

I had a lot of fun and I wish the Sac Temple was as nice and had a Visitor's Center. I also wish it was accesible by the train that passes it on my way to work.

Unfortionately, when I came home, the happiness left me. I went outside to feed my rabbits. I only have two left as one died last year and two I found good homes. I opened Coppers' cage and he didn't run to his bowl and give me his funny little attitude. He laid on his side. I poked him and he did not move. I set aside the scoop of food and shook him. He was very stiff. I only sighed and gave both servings of food to Snowflake. I think she was pleased. I came inside and to my mother, I said, "He's dead,"

"Little Girl?" she asked. It's Snowflake's nickname.

"No, Big Boy," That was Coppers' nickname.

I couldn't bury him. It was too cold and too dark. Its difficult to dig holes when the ground is cold and difficult to see what you're digging into when its dark. But I couldn't sleep knowing he would go soft by morning and it would be difficult to handle him. Around 2 30 in the morning, I got out of bed, I fetched a garbage bag and went outside and placed him inside. He was still very stiff. He felt like a stuffed rabbit and his eyes hadn't even glazed over yet.

Sunday: Services and the Baptism of Samantha and Cortnie.

It was the first time I've ever partaken in Sacrament yesterday and I hope I can keep the promise. So far, I've already cursed a few too many times. President Evans seemed to presiding or hosting or however its done. I don't fully understand just yet. Its funny because this isn't even his stake. But he's friendly with the YSA and I think he was there for the baptism and the confirmation of another girl, Lauren. It was a very interesting day and it showed a lot of what I am getting myself into.

He began to talk about the Oakland trip and then, came the surprise.

"I was taking a group of Sisters home and I was asking them of their favorite parts and I was surprised. At the temple, we watched the Joesph Smith movie and it was very uplifting and full of The Spirit and when I asked this, they each expressed that that was their favorite part. But I was surprised by one of their answers. She is a none member..."

My head whipped from side to side, turning to each girl who had been in the car. No! Each of them had been baptized! They had all been raised in the Church! I was the Odd Man Out!

"... and when I asked her, she expressed that her favorite part was talking to one of the Sister Missionaries. This Sister had come from another country ..."

It was odd how I felt at the moment as he continued and never used my name to my relief. I seemed to tunnel vision, almost, in utter shock. He had qouted me, qouted something I had seen as no big deal and had actually forgotten ever saying it until he had said it. It was so interesting, that feeling.

Classes went on and after the three hour block, we were asked to stay for the baptism. Poor Cortnie had to be baptized twice because she panicked and her knees flailed upwards. It was funny as she ran out of the water and she was out of our sight but we all could hear her slip and begin to giggle and as Ashton was forced to tell her she needed to come back because of her knees, we could hear her voice: "Are you serious?!"

I'm sure my hair will betray me during my baptism. Maybe I should consider braiding it to make it heavier.

By time I was home, it was already dark and still, I could not bury my poor rabbit.

Monday: Flash Mob and FHE

Coppers was buried this morning. I am grateful that I bagged him because he had already become a bag of rotting meat and maggots. It would have been too heart breaking to bury him had I not bagged him.

Today was the day of the flash mob. I've been waiting all week for it but I could not find a ride to it so instead, I went caroling with the YSA. We sang at several member houses and even at some non member houses. It was fun. One house, as we began to sing: "Bring us some figgy pudding," we were all surprised to recieve a large plate of homemade toffee! I do believe this family was forwarned!

I got home and dad realed in with the questions. "Hey, were you guys singing at that flash mob?"

"I was supposed to but I forgot to find a ride before hand and I couldn't go."

"It's a good thing you didn't!"

"What happened?"

What happened, indeed! The mall had been evacuated because of the flash mob. Apparently there were too many participating and the mall began to collapse in a sense. Allow me to explain that this is the same mall that was just recently reopened after nearly being burned to the ground last month. Rebuilt too hastily perhaps?

Here's the News Article courtesty of the Sac Bee

Well, so thats that. I think now, I'll go out and continue watching the Lunar Eclipse. It's almost full now.

Cool, huh?

Shoved to the Ground. Get to Your Feet.

"I'mma be what I set out to be
without a doubt undoubtedly."

"And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Gonna put my life together right now"

Both quotes from "Not Afraid" by Eminem

So yeah, kinda stuck on an Eminem binge lately. Just so irritated now! I'm sitting here, staying up, waiting for my school's website to stop giving me this bloody error:

System Unavailable

We are experiencing technical problems with our eServices and online class search sites. We hope to have the problems fixed soon. Please check back frequently.

And this all started this morning, (Dec 13 so technically yesterday morning) trying to check on my enrollment. They told me it wouldn't officially enroll me until today and when I go to check on it, 2 of my classes are filled and I'm not in 'em! So yeah, super pissed. Okay, whatever. I check again when I get home from FHE, ALL of my classes are filled.
So I check other classes, check the same classes at other campuses. I find Fiction Writing Workshop available at SCC and just I hit "Enroll," the damned thing gives me this bloody error. So if I wait till morning, someone might have filled it and I lost out... again. So I'm staying up and I don't know how long this is going to take. I'm sick and tired of this BS!

On the lighter note. Going to the Temple on Saturday with the YSA to see the pretty lights and watch the Joesph Smith movie in the Theater there. So bringing my camera for this one!
Oh, Oh! AND!!! I got invited to participate in a Flash Mob at the Roseville Gallery! I'm so freaking excited! We're gonna walk into the food court and just randomly start singing Christmas songs. Gonna be AWESOME!
Oh AND!!!!!!! I get to watch this chick, Courtney's, Baptism after services, the coming Sunday.

*Deep breath*
Okay, overly excited.
*Refreshes page*
And the system is STILL down. ARGH!

Of Good Courage?

An Entry from my diary written somewhere around one in the morning:

I'm lying here tonight, pondering the things that brought me here: my life. I'm examining the scars on my wrists and thinking of the state of mind I was in when I put them there... that immense emptiness, that need for control. In a story by Charles DiAmbrosio, he wrote in dialogue, "The doctor says I do it to put the pain where I can see it." If those aren't the exact words, sue me. Those words stuck out to me 'cuz I think thats why I did it but not so I can see it but for everyone else to see it. I wanted Cortney to see it that day. I wanted someone to ask so that I could lie about it... again. I never suspected it would be my last time doing it. 8 months now? It the longest I've gone since I started. And I don't want to. That look on her face, that acknowledgement as she confronted me on it... it was all I needed. Such immense relief... Cortney said once, "As soon as you ask for help, you immediately shut down." Again, if those aren't the exact words, sue me. That girl's too damn smart if you ask me. Gonna have to start feeding her paint chips just so I can keep up with her.
I started to get help with the molestation (God, I hate that f**king word) and as soon as it started to get real, I took off. I told myself it wasn't working, told myself it wasn't worth the money. Truth was, I got scared.
Truth is, I wanna embrace my faith, but I'm scared of that too.

Odd Man Out

Today was my first visit to the local church here in Rancho Cordova in over a decade. Its funny. I visited the chuch house in Mesa more times than I've ever visited the one here.
I walked in and looked around. I planned to sit in the back and observe and to listen. I had planned to stay under the radar... Had...
Her name was Stefanie and she invited me to sit with her and her family. The military would be envious of radar this accurate. Maybe I looked confused, maybe they just know everyone there, or maybe they're told by God.
I sang out of tune, and began to simply mouth the words. I'll work on following along with these hymn books before I work on singing them. I listened to testimonies and I wonder if one day I might be one of these people, so optimistic despite the troubles of this world.
Now, I do have a bone to pick with many of you whom I told I was doing this today. If you know something that I don't, please feel free to warn me. "Are you going to stay for the second hour?" Stefanie asked.
"Uhhh, I thought - ? Um, okay?"
Seriously, I thought classes were only for the little ones. Stefanie gave me the choice but since I was new, I decided I'd go where the new people went. It was a nice little class and it answered quite a lot of my questions about the Temple with having to actually ask, so that was a bonus.
To my teacher, I expressed my concerns about my mother after class. As you might have guessed, my mother knows nothing about this blog. We spoke with the Elders as well and soon, someone will get in touch with me to start my home lessons at too kindly, my teachers home. I won't get my lessons from the missionaries I met with. According to where I live, its the other ward's responsibility though I think I want to stay with the Rossmoor ward because my next door neighbors don't much like me and I try to avoid them. I was once best friends with their youngest girl and as many know about me, I have a tendency to burn bridges.
"Do you know where to go next?"
"Um, uh, no."
I was led to the room where the singing was coming from and I found a seat. Again, I was invited to sit by someone. Kindness and social behavior can make me uncomfortable. Its terrible, I know.
When all was done, the missionaries found me again and took me aside. They asked if I was baptized and I told them, "no."
"That's what I thought but people were saying you were."
This whole place already knew of my presence?
They explained the 18th of December, baptisms would be done. I nodded. "Will you follow Christ's example and be baptized?"
I yanked the Emergency Break. "I'm no where near ready for that. I haven't even finished reading the Book of Mormon. I want to be sure that this is what I want."
And here we are, home, typing this whole blog on my Blackberry because I'm too lazy to turn on my laptop. I wonder, is there something wrong with me or are these people just too friendly? Why is when someone tries to make me comfortable, I am at my most uncomfortable state of mind? They place their hands on my shoulder and I flinch!
I ask, what am I getting myself into?

Ulcering Holidays

They begin in November and carry on until January. They bring family together only to drive them apart. Most of us continue to celebrate it simply because we feel we must and that our choice is taken from us by social norms.
I found I love the Holidays, really. But how I despise the Holidays with my immediate family. Its a war.
We've decided on a small Thanksgiving with just the four of us. Our packed up house creates a terrible eye sore and a depression in my mother. It creates frustration for me because I haven't seen most of my belongings in over 6 months now. Gosh, has it been that long already?
The only bright side I can find in the fights is the comfort of knowing my life is finally going in a direction that I like. I have a part time job, I'm getting ready for next semester's classes, and I'll be scheduling times to meet with home teachers soon. Eventually, of course, I'll need to resume my sessions with Dr. Cann but for now, my new self therapy seems to be working.
Well, it seems I have less to say than I initially thought. Wish me luck this Thanksgiving.
What are guys doing for the Holidays? And another thing, Cort has got me thinking about starting a Vlog. Maybe you'll hear and see from me soon!

Within the Mind's Shadows of Spirituality

My feet carefully test each rock, pressing down on it. If it should sift through the soft sand, I won't use it. I'm beginning to remember which rocks hold strong. I descend the steep clif side in this manner. If I should fall, I might tumble through the sand and rocks to hit a boulder or tree or even fall into the rapid water. It is not dangerous but there is no harm in being careful.
I take my seat on the flattest boulder and remove the book my bag. I open it, and realize I've forgotten her instructions so I put it down again and fold my arms. When I've said the words, I pick up the book again and flip to my favorite verse thus far:

"And after they had tasted of

the fruit they were ashamed, be-

cause of those that were scoffing at

them; and they fell away into

forbidden paths and were lost."

I ponder these words and I think of those who would be my "scoffers" if they knew that I was here and that this is what I am reading... if they knew the life change I am considering. Some of them are my closest of friends.

The Bold One emerges from the river and her presense darkens this place. I am swept off to the Shadows. The Bold One stands in the ocean and she watches me. "Your whole life will change; everything you stand for," she says.

"This is a social change, really," I say. "How I view this world won't change all that much."

"Everything will change."

"For the better, maybe?"

"To who's opinion? Theirs?"

I considered her words. I chuckled. "Why must I always second guess myself?"

"You know I'm usually right," the Bold One growled. "I was right about him, about the stupid move."

I turned my wrist over. "I've gained a lot from my mistakes."

I flip the pages and turn to where I last left off. I wish I had taken the time to read more. I look at the painting and turn it sideways to read the description:

"Young Nephi subdues his rebellious brothers."

I laugh. "I should subdue you," I tell the Bold One. I read on. I feel lightened as I read and I enjoy each time a finish a chapter, close the book and my mind is clear. The Bold One's lips are sewn shut again, as if whenever I take a day not to read, her lips are loosened and I question myself.

My Shattered Pieces

"You didn't know Caleb too well so why does it affect you like it does?" she asked me. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I didn't know you like I wish I had. I got to know you far better through your death than I ever did while you were still alive. I wish it hadn't have been that way. I wish I had made the effort to reach out to you like I had reached out to so much of the family.
I draw pictures of you, I find and put together pictures, I even have a cake for you every time your birthday comes around. I do it in my attempts to make up for the time I lost, the time we all lost. I miss you. I miss watching you build your models and I miss playing with them those times you would let me and maybe even sometimes when you didn't. My memory isn't the greatest when it comes to that period of my life. I love you and through your death, you've taught me that life is beautiful and family must be cherished while we still have this time on this earth. I hate that it took death for me to learn this. Its that stupid selfishness of mine.
At night, I lay beside your picture and by your ashes. It eats me up inside really and sometimes I want to go out into the living room and sleep on the couch. Tonight, though, I want to be close to you. Three years that you've been gone and I still wait for you to come out of hiding and yell, "April Fools!" But you can't yell from inside Dad's flask or from the small collections your other siblings keep of you or even from Gram's urn. You're gone and to this day, its difficult for me to say those words aloud. You're gone.
I woke up that morning, feeling sick and I remember walking to school with an empty feeling in my gut. We played vollyball that day and I was dizzy. The feeling lingered with me for the entire day, even as I walked home. Mom was acting strange and jokingly, I asked, "Who died?" I'll never say those words again. Not like that. I miss you, Caleb. For months, the pieces of the plate Dad broke stayed on the back porch. I don't know who finally cleaned it up or when. I kinda wish they were still there. I can see them when I close my eyes.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you. I fear forgetting you even though I know I never will. I love you. I always will. Until we meet again, I will forever miss you.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

Mika's First Birthday

I can't believe that it's been ten months since I adopted my puppy, Mika Latte. And Friday was her first birthday.

On Thursday, I spent the day baking a recipe for dog treats, of which, I made the horrible mistake of tasting. *Shrugs* Mika loves them. Here's the ingredients:

2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon sugar

1/3 cup hard margarine or 1/3 cup butter, cubed

1 egg

1/2 cup skim milk

1/4 cup creamy peanut butter

We planned Mika's party at the dog park where Nakia brought her poodle, Sassie (not to be confused with my cat, Sassy) The party, I can only describe in pictures.

Mama, what is Pooh and why is it on my head?

Studying our playmates

Come back here!

Cookie, cookie, cookie! Gimme, gimme gimme!

Using Nakia as a watch tower

Thank you, Aunty Nakia!

Relay for Life

In recent months, I have dedicated myself to the American Cancer Society. I created a team and I set out for a goal of $1500.00. So thus, the fundraising began:

We spent a total of 72 hours outside our local Wal-Mart, solicitating donations and selling T Shirts and rocks.

We spent 5 hours participating in Bark for Life, where my baby, Mika, won a costume contest for her HotDog costume.

And we spent 6 hours at Villiage Green Park, selling anything we had to offer.

And finally, the day of the event came and it was time for Relay for Life!
We spent hours setting up a borrowed canopy, two folding tables, four chairs and a brand new tent. They say women should never go into construction. We get the job done; it just takes forever. Lol. What Nakia and I never considered was our height and how difficult it was for two short women to assemble a 7 foot canopy. After pinching our fingers and banging knees, we finally were able to expand the cover and lock all mechanisms. Then came the tent! We must have spent half an hour feeding the poles through the slits in the tent to only gain a floppy, scrunched up tent. But guess what, the big metal stakes included are not "extra parts." Who would have thought nailing the corners down would keep it all together?
Once everything was nearly decorated, the opening ceremony began and Jim Bondi took the stage. He told us his story of the journey after he was told those three dreadful words: "You have cancer." How I hate it when my throat tightens. This event is so full of tears, so full of laughter, so full of love. I love these people. I love this event.

The survivor lap began, and we followed Nakia's father, wearing his purple survivor's shirt, as he walked that first quarter mile.
The fun began and soon turned to retaliation. Nakia made the mistake of admitting her infatuation with a tall police officer running the Jail and Bail. Unknown to her but very known to me, hand cuffing someone only cost a dollar and cuffing a person to a cop is the same price.

And thus came retaliation! I was dragged away to be cuffed to Officer Logan Hancock, the very same cop I had cuffed Nakia to. Only, the cuffs were in use at that time so to keep me from escaping, I was thrown in jail... free of charge.

When the hand cuffs finally made their way back, Officer Hancock stepped into my "cell" and first cuffed his wrist and then mine. Two steps into our lap, I found that my theory of having the ability to manipulate my hand and escape handcuffs was very much, true.

Before he had noticed, I had slipped my cuff off. Instead of escaping, I chose to brag and allowed the cop to replace and tighten the shackle. I'm sure if I had bothered to try, I would still have been able to get it off.

Relay continued on until the night as we moved onto the Luminaria Ceremony and my friend, Justin, sung beautifully with his quartet. The tears came again. I was given a lighter and we lit the bags and started our walk in silence, interupted only by the tears and the words of, "I love you."

Morning came and we sold our last two T Shirts, making our goal and ending the fundraising. Not long after, the announcement was made. We had made it to bronze team. I took off, kicking my shoes off in the process and even dropping my new blackberry.

I accepted my award proudly.

And so we ended Relay for life, tired, sore and in tears again as we listened to the Fight Back Ceremony and I will never forget that beautiful survivor's words, words she repeated to herself during her battle: "This is temporary."
Awards were handed out and I was given an award as Team Captain. My team came in fourth place. I am so proud. We raised $1510.00 according to the final count.
I want to thank my team and I want to thank all those who helped us. I love you all and I look forward to raising even more next year. What do you think, Silver Team maybe? Lol

Revisiting the Mind's Shadows

The Bold One no longer has a voice. Her lips have been sewn together and still, she communicates her darkness into my soul. She lives on through my morbid fantasies and strikes as night falls over reality. Her dominance over my thinking has become limited yet not abolished.
I often fantasize of chopping off my right hand. I often press my first two fingers under my chin and draw my thumb toward them. I immediately think of Caleb after this action. I shake it off and continue on with my day as if nothing had ever interrupted my thoughts. Sometimes, I pause to think, "Is this what he felt?"
So when at night, I stare at the moon, both, in my meadow and in reality, my thoughts are clean. I may glance down at the pearl designs etched into my wrist. I think of the disappointment written on her face as I looked up from my homework. Her eyes shifted from the blisters and onto me while I tucked my arm under the table. I still see her face and feel the odd relief.
I no longer feel the urge for the heat. I once read that self injury was ones' way to put the pain where it can be seen. I saw it as a way release it via the bubbles of clear fluid.
But its the Bold One who can not speak; not I.
To quote a beautiful cancer survivor, "This is temporary."