Of Good Courage?

An Entry from my diary written somewhere around one in the morning:

I'm lying here tonight, pondering the things that brought me here: my life. I'm examining the scars on my wrists and thinking of the state of mind I was in when I put them there... that immense emptiness, that need for control. In a story by Charles DiAmbrosio, he wrote in dialogue, "The doctor says I do it to put the pain where I can see it." If those aren't the exact words, sue me. Those words stuck out to me 'cuz I think thats why I did it but not so I can see it but for everyone else to see it. I wanted Cortney to see it that day. I wanted someone to ask so that I could lie about it... again. I never suspected it would be my last time doing it. 8 months now? It the longest I've gone since I started. And I don't want to. That look on her face, that acknowledgement as she confronted me on it... it was all I needed. Such immense relief... Cortney said once, "As soon as you ask for help, you immediately shut down." Again, if those aren't the exact words, sue me. That girl's too damn smart if you ask me. Gonna have to start feeding her paint chips just so I can keep up with her.
I started to get help with the molestation (God, I hate that f**king word) and as soon as it started to get real, I took off. I told myself it wasn't working, told myself it wasn't worth the money. Truth was, I got scared.
Truth is, I wanna embrace my faith, but I'm scared of that too.

Odd Man Out

Today was my first visit to the local church here in Rancho Cordova in over a decade. Its funny. I visited the chuch house in Mesa more times than I've ever visited the one here.
I walked in and looked around. I planned to sit in the back and observe and to listen. I had planned to stay under the radar... Had...
Her name was Stefanie and she invited me to sit with her and her family. The military would be envious of radar this accurate. Maybe I looked confused, maybe they just know everyone there, or maybe they're told by God.
I sang out of tune, and began to simply mouth the words. I'll work on following along with these hymn books before I work on singing them. I listened to testimonies and I wonder if one day I might be one of these people, so optimistic despite the troubles of this world.
Now, I do have a bone to pick with many of you whom I told I was doing this today. If you know something that I don't, please feel free to warn me. "Are you going to stay for the second hour?" Stefanie asked.
"Uhhh, I thought - ? Um, okay?"
Seriously, I thought classes were only for the little ones. Stefanie gave me the choice but since I was new, I decided I'd go where the new people went. It was a nice little class and it answered quite a lot of my questions about the Temple with having to actually ask, so that was a bonus.
To my teacher, I expressed my concerns about my mother after class. As you might have guessed, my mother knows nothing about this blog. We spoke with the Elders as well and soon, someone will get in touch with me to start my home lessons at too kindly, my teachers home. I won't get my lessons from the missionaries I met with. According to where I live, its the other ward's responsibility though I think I want to stay with the Rossmoor ward because my next door neighbors don't much like me and I try to avoid them. I was once best friends with their youngest girl and as many know about me, I have a tendency to burn bridges.
"Do you know where to go next?"
"Um, uh, no."
I was led to the room where the singing was coming from and I found a seat. Again, I was invited to sit by someone. Kindness and social behavior can make me uncomfortable. Its terrible, I know.
When all was done, the missionaries found me again and took me aside. They asked if I was baptized and I told them, "no."
"That's what I thought but people were saying you were."
This whole place already knew of my presence?
They explained the 18th of December, baptisms would be done. I nodded. "Will you follow Christ's example and be baptized?"
I yanked the Emergency Break. "I'm no where near ready for that. I haven't even finished reading the Book of Mormon. I want to be sure that this is what I want."
And here we are, home, typing this whole blog on my Blackberry because I'm too lazy to turn on my laptop. I wonder, is there something wrong with me or are these people just too friendly? Why is when someone tries to make me comfortable, I am at my most uncomfortable state of mind? They place their hands on my shoulder and I flinch!
I ask, what am I getting myself into?

Ulcering Holidays

They begin in November and carry on until January. They bring family together only to drive them apart. Most of us continue to celebrate it simply because we feel we must and that our choice is taken from us by social norms.
I found I love the Holidays, really. But how I despise the Holidays with my immediate family. Its a war.
We've decided on a small Thanksgiving with just the four of us. Our packed up house creates a terrible eye sore and a depression in my mother. It creates frustration for me because I haven't seen most of my belongings in over 6 months now. Gosh, has it been that long already?
The only bright side I can find in the fights is the comfort of knowing my life is finally going in a direction that I like. I have a part time job, I'm getting ready for next semester's classes, and I'll be scheduling times to meet with home teachers soon. Eventually, of course, I'll need to resume my sessions with Dr. Cann but for now, my new self therapy seems to be working.
Well, it seems I have less to say than I initially thought. Wish me luck this Thanksgiving.
What are guys doing for the Holidays? And another thing, Cort has got me thinking about starting a Vlog. Maybe you'll hear and see from me soon!

Within the Mind's Shadows of Spirituality

My feet carefully test each rock, pressing down on it. If it should sift through the soft sand, I won't use it. I'm beginning to remember which rocks hold strong. I descend the steep clif side in this manner. If I should fall, I might tumble through the sand and rocks to hit a boulder or tree or even fall into the rapid water. It is not dangerous but there is no harm in being careful.
I take my seat on the flattest boulder and remove the book my bag. I open it, and realize I've forgotten her instructions so I put it down again and fold my arms. When I've said the words, I pick up the book again and flip to my favorite verse thus far:

"And after they had tasted of

the fruit they were ashamed, be-

cause of those that were scoffing at

them; and they fell away into

forbidden paths and were lost."

I ponder these words and I think of those who would be my "scoffers" if they knew that I was here and that this is what I am reading... if they knew the life change I am considering. Some of them are my closest of friends.

The Bold One emerges from the river and her presense darkens this place. I am swept off to the Shadows. The Bold One stands in the ocean and she watches me. "Your whole life will change; everything you stand for," she says.

"This is a social change, really," I say. "How I view this world won't change all that much."

"Everything will change."

"For the better, maybe?"

"To who's opinion? Theirs?"

I considered her words. I chuckled. "Why must I always second guess myself?"

"You know I'm usually right," the Bold One growled. "I was right about him, about the stupid move."

I turned my wrist over. "I've gained a lot from my mistakes."

I flip the pages and turn to where I last left off. I wish I had taken the time to read more. I look at the painting and turn it sideways to read the description:

"Young Nephi subdues his rebellious brothers."

I laugh. "I should subdue you," I tell the Bold One. I read on. I feel lightened as I read and I enjoy each time a finish a chapter, close the book and my mind is clear. The Bold One's lips are sewn shut again, as if whenever I take a day not to read, her lips are loosened and I question myself.

My Shattered Pieces

"You didn't know Caleb too well so why does it affect you like it does?" she asked me. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I didn't know you like I wish I had. I got to know you far better through your death than I ever did while you were still alive. I wish it hadn't have been that way. I wish I had made the effort to reach out to you like I had reached out to so much of the family.
I draw pictures of you, I find and put together pictures, I even have a cake for you every time your birthday comes around. I do it in my attempts to make up for the time I lost, the time we all lost. I miss you. I miss watching you build your models and I miss playing with them those times you would let me and maybe even sometimes when you didn't. My memory isn't the greatest when it comes to that period of my life. I love you and through your death, you've taught me that life is beautiful and family must be cherished while we still have this time on this earth. I hate that it took death for me to learn this. Its that stupid selfishness of mine.
At night, I lay beside your picture and by your ashes. It eats me up inside really and sometimes I want to go out into the living room and sleep on the couch. Tonight, though, I want to be close to you. Three years that you've been gone and I still wait for you to come out of hiding and yell, "April Fools!" But you can't yell from inside Dad's flask or from the small collections your other siblings keep of you or even from Gram's urn. You're gone and to this day, its difficult for me to say those words aloud. You're gone.
I woke up that morning, feeling sick and I remember walking to school with an empty feeling in my gut. We played vollyball that day and I was dizzy. The feeling lingered with me for the entire day, even as I walked home. Mom was acting strange and jokingly, I asked, "Who died?" I'll never say those words again. Not like that. I miss you, Caleb. For months, the pieces of the plate Dad broke stayed on the back porch. I don't know who finally cleaned it up or when. I kinda wish they were still there. I can see them when I close my eyes.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you. I fear forgetting you even though I know I never will. I love you. I always will. Until we meet again, I will forever miss you.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

Mika's First Birthday

I can't believe that it's been ten months since I adopted my puppy, Mika Latte. And Friday was her first birthday.

On Thursday, I spent the day baking a recipe for dog treats, of which, I made the horrible mistake of tasting. *Shrugs* Mika loves them. Here's the ingredients:

2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon sugar

1/3 cup hard margarine or 1/3 cup butter, cubed

1 egg

1/2 cup skim milk

1/4 cup creamy peanut butter

We planned Mika's party at the dog park where Nakia brought her poodle, Sassie (not to be confused with my cat, Sassy) The party, I can only describe in pictures.

Mama, what is Pooh and why is it on my head?

Studying our playmates

Come back here!

Cookie, cookie, cookie! Gimme, gimme gimme!

Using Nakia as a watch tower

Thank you, Aunty Nakia!

Relay for Life

In recent months, I have dedicated myself to the American Cancer Society. I created a team and I set out for a goal of $1500.00. So thus, the fundraising began:

We spent a total of 72 hours outside our local Wal-Mart, solicitating donations and selling T Shirts and rocks.

We spent 5 hours participating in Bark for Life, where my baby, Mika, won a costume contest for her HotDog costume.

And we spent 6 hours at Villiage Green Park, selling anything we had to offer.

And finally, the day of the event came and it was time for Relay for Life!
We spent hours setting up a borrowed canopy, two folding tables, four chairs and a brand new tent. They say women should never go into construction. We get the job done; it just takes forever. Lol. What Nakia and I never considered was our height and how difficult it was for two short women to assemble a 7 foot canopy. After pinching our fingers and banging knees, we finally were able to expand the cover and lock all mechanisms. Then came the tent! We must have spent half an hour feeding the poles through the slits in the tent to only gain a floppy, scrunched up tent. But guess what, the big metal stakes included are not "extra parts." Who would have thought nailing the corners down would keep it all together?
Once everything was nearly decorated, the opening ceremony began and Jim Bondi took the stage. He told us his story of the journey after he was told those three dreadful words: "You have cancer." How I hate it when my throat tightens. This event is so full of tears, so full of laughter, so full of love. I love these people. I love this event.

The survivor lap began, and we followed Nakia's father, wearing his purple survivor's shirt, as he walked that first quarter mile.
The fun began and soon turned to retaliation. Nakia made the mistake of admitting her infatuation with a tall police officer running the Jail and Bail. Unknown to her but very known to me, hand cuffing someone only cost a dollar and cuffing a person to a cop is the same price.

And thus came retaliation! I was dragged away to be cuffed to Officer Logan Hancock, the very same cop I had cuffed Nakia to. Only, the cuffs were in use at that time so to keep me from escaping, I was thrown in jail... free of charge.

When the hand cuffs finally made their way back, Officer Hancock stepped into my "cell" and first cuffed his wrist and then mine. Two steps into our lap, I found that my theory of having the ability to manipulate my hand and escape handcuffs was very much, true.

Before he had noticed, I had slipped my cuff off. Instead of escaping, I chose to brag and allowed the cop to replace and tighten the shackle. I'm sure if I had bothered to try, I would still have been able to get it off.

Relay continued on until the night as we moved onto the Luminaria Ceremony and my friend, Justin, sung beautifully with his quartet. The tears came again. I was given a lighter and we lit the bags and started our walk in silence, interupted only by the tears and the words of, "I love you."

Morning came and we sold our last two T Shirts, making our goal and ending the fundraising. Not long after, the announcement was made. We had made it to bronze team. I took off, kicking my shoes off in the process and even dropping my new blackberry.

I accepted my award proudly.

And so we ended Relay for life, tired, sore and in tears again as we listened to the Fight Back Ceremony and I will never forget that beautiful survivor's words, words she repeated to herself during her battle: "This is temporary."
Awards were handed out and I was given an award as Team Captain. My team came in fourth place. I am so proud. We raised $1510.00 according to the final count.
I want to thank my team and I want to thank all those who helped us. I love you all and I look forward to raising even more next year. What do you think, Silver Team maybe? Lol