Monday, December 20, 2010

Temples, Flash Mobs, and Evacuations, Oh My!

The last few days, what insanity! And to think I'm about to type it all. Take a restroom break, grab a snack, this is gonna be a LOOOOOONG one!
*waits for all readers to return*
All right? Ready? Well hurry up then! Okay! Here we go!

Saturday: The Temple Trip.
So the church rented a "party bus" and after cleaning the YSA church house, we took the 2 hour trek out to Oakland to visit the Temple there. We took a tour of the Christmas lights.
It was wet, and foggy and sooooo pretty in person but unfortionately, terrible for cameras! We went into the Visitor's Center to watch the Joesph Smith movie, at the end of which, I was soooo mad! No one told me he was killed! Not cool!
After the movie and after we stuffed outselves with pizza, we explored the grounds again and I took a ton of pictures, all of which can be found on my facebook. Because of the wetness, we sought shelter within the Visitor's Center once more and looked at all the pretty paintings. It was during which, I was approached by a sister missionary with probably one of the most interesting accents I've ever heard. What it was, I regret to say, I don't know. I must have talked with her for more than half an hour, telling her about my life and how it was that I began to seek the church. And she showed me a scripture I hadn't gotten to yet (I'm still reading Mosiah) and its now my new favorite:
Now, we will compare the word
unto a seed. Now, if ye give place,
that a seed may be planted in your
heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or
a good seed, if ye do not cast it out
by your unbelief, that ye will resist
the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will
begin to swell within your breasts;
and when you feel these swelling
motions, ye will begin to say within
yourselves - It must needs be that
this is a good seed, or that the word
is good, for it beginneth to en-
lighten my understanding, yea, it
beginneth to be delicious to me.
- ALMA 32:28
I'm actually thinking of drawing or even trying my hand at painting something to represent this scripture. Yes, I think I shall.
We arrived back at the church house and President Evans drove some of us girls home. He was chatty and asked us our favorite parts.
I had a lot of fun and I wish the Sac Temple was as nice and had a Visitor's Center. I also wish it was accesible by the train that passes it on my way to work.
Unfortionately, when I came home, the happiness left me. I went outside to feed my rabbits. I only have two left as one died last year and two I found good homes. I opened Coppers' cage and he didn't run to his bowl and give me his funny little attitude. He laid on his side. I poked him and he did not move. I set aside the scoop of food and shook him. He was very stiff. I only sighed and gave both servings of food to Snowflake. I think she was pleased. I came inside and to my mother, I said, "He's dead,"
"Little Girl?" she asked. It's Snowflake's nickname.
"No, Big Boy," That was Coppers' nickname.
I couldn't bury him. It was too cold and too dark. Its difficult to dig holes when the ground is cold and difficult to see what you're digging into when its dark. But I couldn't sleep knowing he would go soft by morning and it would be difficult to handle him. Around 2 30 in the morning, I got out of bed, I fetched a garbage bag and went outside and placed him inside. He was still very stiff. He felt like a stuffed rabbit and his eyes hadn't even glazed over yet.

Sunday: Services and the Baptism of Samantha and Cortnie.
It was the first time I've ever partaken in Sacrament yesterday and I hope I can keep the promise. So far, I've already cursed a few too many times. President Evans seemed to presiding or hosting or however its done. I don't fully understand just yet. Its funny because this isn't even his stake. But he's friendly with the YSA and I think he was there for the baptism and the confirmation of another girl, Lauren. It was a very interesting day and it showed a lot of what I am getting myself into.
He began to talk about the Oakland trip and then, came the surprise.
"I was taking a group of Sisters home and I was asking them of their favorite parts and I was surprised. At the temple, we watched the Joesph Smith movie and it was very uplifting and full of The Spirit and when I asked this, they each expressed that that was their favorite part. But I was surprised by one of their answers. She is a none member..."
My head whipped from side to side, turning to each girl who had been in the car. No! Each of them had been baptized! They had all been raised in the Church! I was the Odd Man Out!
"... and when I asked her, she expressed that her favorite part was talking to one of the Sister Missionaries. This Sister had come from another country ..."
It was odd how I felt at the moment as he continued and never used my name to my relief. I seemed to tunnel vision, almost, in utter shock. He had qouted me, qouted something I had seen as no big deal and had actually forgotten ever saying it until he had said it. It was so interesting, that feeling.
Classes went on and after the three hour block, we were asked to stay for the baptism. Poor Cortnie had to be baptized twice because she panicked and her knees flailed upwards. It was funny as she ran out of the water and she was out of our sight but we all could hear her slip and begin to giggle and as Ashton was forced to tell her she needed to come back because of her knees, we could hear her voice: "Are you serious?!"
I'm sure my hair will betray me during my baptism. Maybe I should consider braiding it to make it heavier.
By time I was home, it was already dark and still, I could not bury my poor rabbit.

Monday: Flash Mob and FHE
Coppers was buried this morning. I am grateful that I bagged him because he had already become a bag of rotting meat and maggots. It would have been too heart breaking to bury him had I not bagged him.
Today was the day of the flash mob. I've been waiting all week for it but I could not find a ride to it so instead, I went caroling with the YSA. We sang at several member houses and even at some non member houses. It was fun. One house, as we began to sing: "Bring us some figgy pudding," we were all surprised to recieve a large plate of homemade toffee! I do believe this family was forwarned!
I got home and dad realed in with the questions. "Hey, were you guys singing at that flash mob?"
"I was supposed to but I forgot to find a ride before hand and I couldn't go."
"It's a good thing you didn't!"
"What happened?"
What happened, indeed! The mall had been evacuated because of the flash mob. Apparently there were too many participating and the mall began to collapse in a sense. Allow me to explain that this is the same mall that was just recently reopened after nearly being burned to the ground last month. Rebuilt too hastily perhaps?
Here's the News Article courtesty of the Sac Bee

Well, so thats that. I think now, I'll go out and continue watching the Lunar Eclipse. It's almost full now.

Cool, huh?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Shoved to the Ground. Get to Your Feet.

"I'mma be what I set out to be
without a doubt undoubtedly."

"And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Gonna put my life together right now"

Both quotes from "Not Afraid" by Eminem

So yeah, kinda stuck on an Eminem binge lately. Just so irritated now! I'm sitting here, staying up, waiting for my school's website to stop giving me this bloody error:

System Unavailable

We are experiencing technical problems with our eServices and online class search sites. We hope to have the problems fixed soon. Please check back frequently.

And this all started this morning, (Dec 13 so technically yesterday morning) trying to check on my enrollment. They told me it wouldn't officially enroll me until today and when I go to check on it, 2 of my classes are filled and I'm not in 'em! So yeah, super pissed. Okay, whatever. I check again when I get home from FHE, ALL of my classes are filled.
So I check other classes, check the same classes at other campuses. I find Fiction Writing Workshop available at SCC and just I hit "Enroll," the damned thing gives me this bloody error. So if I wait till morning, someone might have filled it and I lost out... again. So I'm staying up and I don't know how long this is going to take. I'm sick and tired of this BS!

On the lighter note. Going to the Temple on Saturday with the YSA to see the pretty lights and watch the Joesph Smith movie in the Theater there. So bringing my camera for this one!
Oh, Oh! AND!!! I got invited to participate in a Flash Mob at the Roseville Gallery! I'm so freaking excited! We're gonna walk into the food court and just randomly start singing Christmas songs. Gonna be AWESOME!
Oh AND!!!!!!! I get to watch this chick, Courtney's, Baptism after services, the coming Sunday.

*Deep breath*
Okay, overly excited.
*Refreshes page*
And the system is STILL down. ARGH!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Of Good Courage?

An Entry from my diary written somewhere around one in the morning:

I'm lying here tonight, pondering the things that brought me here: my life. I'm examining the scars on my wrists and thinking of the state of mind I was in when I put them there... that immense emptiness, that need for control. In a story by Charles DiAmbrosio, he wrote in dialogue, "The doctor says I do it to put the pain where I can see it." If those aren't the exact words, sue me. Those words stuck out to me 'cuz I think thats why I did it but not so I can see it but for everyone else to see it. I wanted Cortney to see it that day. I wanted someone to ask so that I could lie about it... again. I never suspected it would be my last time doing it. 8 months now? It the longest I've gone since I started. And I don't want to. That look on her face, that acknowledgement as she confronted me on it... it was all I needed. Such immense relief... Cortney said once, "As soon as you ask for help, you immediately shut down." Again, if those aren't the exact words, sue me. That girl's too damn smart if you ask me. Gonna have to start feeding her paint chips just so I can keep up with her.
I started to get help with the molestation (God, I hate that f**king word) and as soon as it started to get real, I took off. I told myself it wasn't working, told myself it wasn't worth the money. Truth was, I got scared.
Truth is, I wanna embrace my faith, but I'm scared of that too.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Odd Man Out

Today was my first visit to the local church here in Rancho Cordova in over a decade. Its funny. I visited the chuch house in Mesa more times than I've ever visited the one here.
I walked in and looked around. I planned to sit in the back and observe and to listen. I had planned to stay under the radar... Had...
Her name was Stefanie and she invited me to sit with her and her family. The military would be envious of radar this accurate. Maybe I looked confused, maybe they just know everyone there, or maybe they're told by God.
I sang out of tune, and began to simply mouth the words. I'll work on following along with these hymn books before I work on singing them. I listened to testimonies and I wonder if one day I might be one of these people, so optimistic despite the troubles of this world.
Now, I do have a bone to pick with many of you whom I told I was doing this today. If you know something that I don't, please feel free to warn me. "Are you going to stay for the second hour?" Stefanie asked.
"Uhhh, I thought - ? Um, okay?"
Seriously, I thought classes were only for the little ones. Stefanie gave me the choice but since I was new, I decided I'd go where the new people went. It was a nice little class and it answered quite a lot of my questions about the Temple with having to actually ask, so that was a bonus.
To my teacher, I expressed my concerns about my mother after class. As you might have guessed, my mother knows nothing about this blog. We spoke with the Elders as well and soon, someone will get in touch with me to start my home lessons at too kindly, my teachers home. I won't get my lessons from the missionaries I met with. According to where I live, its the other ward's responsibility though I think I want to stay with the Rossmoor ward because my next door neighbors don't much like me and I try to avoid them. I was once best friends with their youngest girl and as many know about me, I have a tendency to burn bridges.
"Do you know where to go next?"
"Um, uh, no."
I was led to the room where the singing was coming from and I found a seat. Again, I was invited to sit by someone. Kindness and social behavior can make me uncomfortable. Its terrible, I know.
When all was done, the missionaries found me again and took me aside. They asked if I was baptized and I told them, "no."
"That's what I thought but people were saying you were."
This whole place already knew of my presence?
They explained the 18th of December, baptisms would be done. I nodded. "Will you follow Christ's example and be baptized?"
I yanked the Emergency Break. "I'm no where near ready for that. I haven't even finished reading the Book of Mormon. I want to be sure that this is what I want."
And here we are, home, typing this whole blog on my Blackberry because I'm too lazy to turn on my laptop. I wonder, is there something wrong with me or are these people just too friendly? Why is when someone tries to make me comfortable, I am at my most uncomfortable state of mind? They place their hands on my shoulder and I flinch!
I ask, what am I getting myself into?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ulcering Holidays

They begin in November and carry on until January. They bring family together only to drive them apart. Most of us continue to celebrate it simply because we feel we must and that our choice is taken from us by social norms.
I found I love the Holidays, really. But how I despise the Holidays with my immediate family. Its a war.
We've decided on a small Thanksgiving with just the four of us. Our packed up house creates a terrible eye sore and a depression in my mother. It creates frustration for me because I haven't seen most of my belongings in over 6 months now. Gosh, has it been that long already?
The only bright side I can find in the fights is the comfort of knowing my life is finally going in a direction that I like. I have a part time job, I'm getting ready for next semester's classes, and I'll be scheduling times to meet with home teachers soon. Eventually, of course, I'll need to resume my sessions with Dr. Cann but for now, my new self therapy seems to be working.
Well, it seems I have less to say than I initially thought. Wish me luck this Thanksgiving.
What are guys doing for the Holidays? And another thing, Cort has got me thinking about starting a Vlog. Maybe you'll hear and see from me soon!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Within the Mind's Shadows of Spirituality

My feet carefully test each rock, pressing down on it. If it should sift through the soft sand, I won't use it. I'm beginning to remember which rocks hold strong. I descend the steep clif side in this manner. If I should fall, I might tumble through the sand and rocks to hit a boulder or tree or even fall into the rapid water. It is not dangerous but there is no harm in being careful.
I take my seat on the flattest boulder and remove the book my bag. I open it, and realize I've forgotten her instructions so I put it down again and fold my arms. When I've said the words, I pick up the book again and flip to my favorite verse thus far:
"And after they had tasted of
the fruit they were ashamed, be-
cause of those that were scoffing at
them; and they fell away into
forbidden paths and were lost."
I ponder these words and I think of those who would be my "scoffers" if they knew that I was here and that this is what I am reading... if they knew the life change I am considering. Some of them are my closest of friends.
The Bold One emerges from the river and her presense darkens this place. I am swept off to the Shadows. The Bold One stands in the ocean and she watches me. "Your whole life will change; everything you stand for," she says.
"This is a social change, really," I say. "How I view this world won't change all that much."
"Everything will change."
"For the better, maybe?"
"To who's opinion? Theirs?"
I considered her words. I chuckled. "Why must I always second guess myself?"
"You know I'm usually right," the Bold One growled. "I was right about him, about the stupid move."
I turned my wrist over. "I've gained a lot from my mistakes."
I flip the pages and turn to where I last left off. I wish I had taken the time to read more. I look at the painting and turn it sideways to read the description:
"Young Nephi subdues his rebellious brothers."
I laugh. "I should subdue you," I tell the Bold One. I read on. I feel lightened as I read and I enjoy each time a finish a chapter, close the book and my mind is clear. The Bold One's lips are sewn shut again, as if whenever I take a day not to read, her lips are loosened and I question myself.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

My Shattered Pieces

"You didn't know Caleb too well so why does it affect you like it does?" she asked me. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I didn't know you like I wish I had. I got to know you far better through your death than I ever did while you were still alive. I wish it hadn't have been that way. I wish I had made the effort to reach out to you like I had reached out to so much of the family.
I draw pictures of you, I find and put together pictures, I even have a cake for you every time your birthday comes around. I do it in my attempts to make up for the time I lost, the time we all lost. I miss you. I miss watching you build your models and I miss playing with them those times you would let me and maybe even sometimes when you didn't. My memory isn't the greatest when it comes to that period of my life. I love you and through your death, you've taught me that life is beautiful and family must be cherished while we still have this time on this earth. I hate that it took death for me to learn this. Its that stupid selfishness of mine.
At night, I lay beside your picture and by your ashes. It eats me up inside really and sometimes I want to go out into the living room and sleep on the couch. Tonight, though, I want to be close to you. Three years that you've been gone and I still wait for you to come out of hiding and yell, "April Fools!" But you can't yell from inside Dad's flask or from the small collections your other siblings keep of you or even from Gram's urn. You're gone and to this day, its difficult for me to say those words aloud. You're gone.
I woke up that morning, feeling sick and I remember walking to school with an empty feeling in my gut. We played vollyball that day and I was dizzy. The feeling lingered with me for the entire day, even as I walked home. Mom was acting strange and jokingly, I asked, "Who died?" I'll never say those words again. Not like that. I miss you, Caleb. For months, the pieces of the plate Dad broke stayed on the back porch. I don't know who finally cleaned it up or when. I kinda wish they were still there. I can see them when I close my eyes.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you. I fear forgetting you even though I know I never will. I love you. I always will. Until we meet again, I will forever miss you.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Mika's First Birthday

I can't believe that it's been ten months since I adopted my puppy, Mika Latte. And Friday was her first birthday.

On Thursday, I spent the day baking a recipe for dog treats, of which, I made the horrible mistake of tasting. *Shrugs* Mika loves them. Here's the ingredients:
  • 2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

  • 1/2 teaspoon salt

  • 1 teaspoon sugar

  • 1/3 cup hard margarine or 1/3 cup butter, cubed

  • 1 egg

  • 1/2 cup skim milk

  • 1/4 cup creamy peanut butter



  • We planned Mika's party at the dog park where Nakia brought her poodle, Sassie (not to be confused with my cat, Sassy) The party, I can only describe in pictures.

    Mama, what is Pooh and why is it on my head?

    Studying our playmates

    Come back here!

    Cookie, cookie, cookie! Gimme, gimme gimme!
    Using Nakia as a watch tower

    Thank you, Aunty Nakia!

    Tuesday, October 5, 2010

    Relay for Life

    In recent months, I have dedicated myself to the American Cancer Society. I created a team and I set out for a goal of $1500.00. So thus, the fundraising began:
    We spent a total of 72 hours outside our local Wal-Mart, solicitating donations and selling T Shirts and rocks.
    We spent 5 hours participating in Bark for Life, where my baby, Mika, won a costume contest for her HotDog costume.

    And we spent 6 hours at Villiage Green Park, selling anything we had to offer.

    And finally, the day of the event came and it was time for Relay for Life!
    We spent hours setting up a borrowed canopy, two folding tables, four chairs and a brand new tent. They say women should never go into construction. We get the job done; it just takes forever. Lol. What Nakia and I never considered was our height and how difficult it was for two short women to assemble a 7 foot canopy. After pinching our fingers and banging knees, we finally were able to expand the cover and lock all mechanisms. Then came the tent! We must have spent half an hour feeding the poles through the slits in the tent to only gain a floppy, scrunched up tent. But guess what, the big metal stakes included are not "extra parts." Who would have thought nailing the corners down would keep it all together?
    Once everything was nearly decorated, the opening ceremony began and Jim Bondi took the stage. He told us his story of the journey after he was told those three dreadful words: "You have cancer." How I hate it when my throat tightens. This event is so full of tears, so full of laughter, so full of love. I love these people. I love this event.
    The survivor lap began, and we followed Nakia's father, wearing his purple survivor's shirt, as he walked that first quarter mile.
    The fun began and soon turned to retaliation. Nakia made the mistake of admitting her infatuation with a tall police officer running the Jail and Bail. Unknown to her but very known to me, hand cuffing someone only cost a dollar and cuffing a person to a cop is the same price.
    And thus came retaliation! I was dragged away to be cuffed to Officer Logan Hancock, the very same cop I had cuffed Nakia to. Only, the cuffs were in use at that time so to keep me from escaping, I was thrown in jail... free of charge.
    When the hand cuffs finally made their way back, Officer Hancock stepped into my "cell" and first cuffed his wrist and then mine. Two steps into our lap, I found that my theory of having the ability to manipulate my hand and escape handcuffs was very much, true.

    Before he had noticed, I had slipped my cuff off. Instead of escaping, I chose to brag and allowed the cop to replace and tighten the shackle. I'm sure if I had bothered to try, I would still have been able to get it off.

    Relay continued on until the night as we moved onto the Luminaria Ceremony and my friend, Justin, sung beautifully with his quartet. The tears came again. I was given a lighter and we lit the bags and started our walk in silence, interupted only by the tears and the words of, "I love you."

    Morning came and we sold our last two T Shirts, making our goal and ending the fundraising. Not long after, the announcement was made. We had made it to bronze team. I took off, kicking my shoes off in the process and even dropping my new blackberry.

    I accepted my award proudly.

    And so we ended Relay for life, tired, sore and in tears again as we listened to the Fight Back Ceremony and I will never forget that beautiful survivor's words, words she repeated to herself during her battle: "This is temporary."
    Awards were handed out and I was given an award as Team Captain. My team came in fourth place. I am so proud. We raised $1510.00 according to the final count.
    I want to thank my team and I want to thank all those who helped us. I love you all and I look forward to raising even more next year. What do you think, Silver Team maybe? Lol

    Monday, October 4, 2010

    Revisiting the Mind's Shadows

    The Bold One no longer has a voice. Her lips have been sewn together and still, she communicates her darkness into my soul. She lives on through my morbid fantasies and strikes as night falls over reality. Her dominance over my thinking has become limited yet not abolished.
    I often fantasize of chopping off my right hand. I often press my first two fingers under my chin and draw my thumb toward them. I immediately think of Caleb after this action. I shake it off and continue on with my day as if nothing had ever interrupted my thoughts. Sometimes, I pause to think, "Is this what he felt?"
    So when at night, I stare at the moon, both, in my meadow and in reality, my thoughts are clean. I may glance down at the pearl designs etched into my wrist. I think of the disappointment written on her face as I looked up from my homework. Her eyes shifted from the blisters and onto me while I tucked my arm under the table. I still see her face and feel the odd relief.
    I no longer feel the urge for the heat. I once read that self injury was ones' way to put the pain where it can be seen. I saw it as a way release it via the bubbles of clear fluid.
    But its the Bold One who can not speak; not I.
    To quote a beautiful cancer survivor, "This is temporary."