Biographical Narrative

I was early. I tried the first door and it was locked as I figured it was. I started my laps around the building. I did this on cold days to keep warm as I waited to be let in. As I came up on the second door, I tried it. Through the tinted glass door, I could see a figure hop up from the couch inside and rush toward it. I stepped back as Alyssa greeted me.
I was surprised to see her there. "Hey, you," I smirked, stepping inside and standing beside the couch as she returned to it. We chatted as she fiddled with her phone. To be honest, I don't remember what we spoke about.
"They're almost here," she announced, almost randomly as she received another text. I stood, slightly dumbfounded to who she was talking about. During our conversation I had wanted to ask why she was there but those words never left my throat.
'Duh, Dumbass,' I thought to myself. 'She's your chaperon."
Within a few minutes, the missionaries arrived and with them, was a third young man of which I couldn't help but notice, had an unusually small head relative to the width of his shoulders. I looked back to Alyssa and wondered if she were staying after all. I had never had two chaperons before.
She did stay and I sat on the couch beside her while the missionaries brought up three chairs. My shyness didn't allow me to make eye contact with the young man the Elders had brought with them. Like many of my chaperons, he was ignored by me, only allowed to listen and never to be engaged. Alyssa was the exception for I knew her well and had known her since high school.
"How's it going, Laura?" Elder Evans asked as we went along with the ritual of shaking hands. Elder Evans was another who seldom received eye contact from me. I had been uncomfortable from the beginning with having to address both missionaries and several lessons ago, I had chosen to treat them as one person, choosing Elder MacPherson's face for said person.
"This is our man, Sammy D. He's back from his mission."
I wouldn't have been surprised if this Sammy D. had still been a missionary. The only difference between his attire to those of the Elders was a lack of name tag. I began to wonder if I was supposed to be dressing up for these lessons. I looked to Alyssa. Didn't seem to be.
Mr. Sammy D. and I shook hands as is customary and then we both sat.
We had a table between us this time. This made me feel safer oddly, more comfortable, more capable to address both missionaries instead of just Elder Macpherson today. Elder Evans brought out his zip bag full of paper cut outs and my intelligence began to feel mocked but I played along and found that it actually helped to understand the idea my father had tried to failed to explain so many times before.
My eyes kept darting to my left, across to Sammy D. He wasn't like the boy, Bobby, they had brought with them before.

***

"This seat taken?"
The nerves fired and my gut twisted. I had liked it better last week when our chairs had been arranged in rows. I could sit in a corner and hide then. Now we were in a circle and everyone could see me. "No," I said, looking up. For once I could put a name to a face. His head didn't seem so small this time and I came to realize that that wasn't the problem at all. His suit jacket made his shoulders stick out too far. Her certainly wasn't a bad looker though.
My eyes returned to the Gospel Principles book the missionaries had given me this morning. My driver had left me alone this time, alone to fend for myself and this was my self defense.
People were talking, stating their names. They came to me. "Laura Clawson," I mumbled, glancing across them and then back down.

(UNFINISHED)

Hostilities

Its ebbing inside of me again, this despair, this dislike for myself. And as these feelings of dislike enter my mind, I begin to remember what I've learned in the last few months, knowing that I shouldn't be doing this to myself and I hate myself even more. Oh, the joy of endless spirals, roller coasters if you will.
I feel it more day by day, this hostility, these feeling of being unwanted at home. So I spend all of my time outside of the house, I spend time with Sammy, I go to school, to church, to Nakia's house. And why does this make things worse for me the few times that I am home? My mother dislikes me as a person and my father dislikes my being home. I feel sick inside as I wake in the mornings, hearing them speak about me so I pretend to sleep, lying in bed until Mom goes to work and Dad goes back to bed for his nap. Often times, I end up falling asleep before these things happen and when I wake again, I hate that I've wasted much of my day.
I pray for help, help with employment. I fasted three times in a two week period for this. Now that I have found employment, I now worried about how I'm to find appointments to schedule and also how I'm to juggle this into my already complicated schedule. I need this job to pay well, well enough for a small apartment but even apartments in CA require a room-mate. I need to be away from this environment. Its poison to me. I love my family, but I've truly had enough of this.

How I Wonder

You asked me why I joined the church and at first I thought you were accusing me of joining only for you. Still, though, I wonder...
You didn't know the person I was, how ugly, how vengeful, how vindictive and angry. And even now I hide the fear. How I wonder what you'd think of me if only you'd known me before I found this happiness, this revelation, this truth. If you saw these scars and I told you what they were from. If you knew what gave me the title, "Survivor," and why the only songs I know how to sing are the sad ones...
But I want you to know this, I did not join for you, I joined for the things I'm too scared to reveal. You're only the second best thing to ever happen to me. The first happened under the water...

New Beginnings Indeed

I'm gonna have to start doing daily blogs as much stuff has been happening lately. Today was my baptism and tomorrow is my confirmation. It was just so wonderful.
President Evans presided, Ashton conducted, Amanda played piano and Toren conducted. They were great.
I picked "I Am a Child of God" and "Ring Out, Wild Bells" as my hymns. I love those songs. Sammy was so sweet as he did the Talk on Baptism. "How are you?" he asked like he was just any other guy.
"You're so mean," I responded. I love that boy. I kept smiling as he spoke and I felt so much joy and he expressed how proud he was. My grandmother did the Talk of the Holy Ghost and she really did bring a tear to my eye as she talked about her experiences. I couldn't wait for a day that I could say similar things to maybe my child or my child's child. I love her. My grandfather baptized me.
The water was cold on the surface, warm below. As I fell through the cold water into the warm water under its surface, I didn't physically open my eyes but I felt as if I could see above me, like a small tunnel with a faint glow at the end. I came up and I gasped, staring in front of me for a while as the water dripped from my hair and into my eyes. I laughed.
I wrote my testimony ahead of time and this is what I wrote:

“Now, we will compare the word unto a seed.  Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves – It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.”

-          Alma 32:28

            The Sister Missionary watched me as I read these words from her Book of Mormon and when I finished, she asked me, “Does that apply to what you’ve been through?”

            I half smiled and I told her, “Pretty much word for word.”

            I must think of that moment every day now and of all days, especially today. It was one day before three weeks into my “investigation” of the church and it was the moment where I knew in my heart that this day would happen.

            The seed wasn’t planted then as I’ve come to realize but instead, has laid dormant for years as it must lay in us all until we realize it needs watering and for us to open up enough for it to get the sunlight. I learned a little; it was watered. I read some; it was fertilized. I prayed a lot and the sunlight nearly blinded me. It burned away my fears and my meaningless worries and it left behind a small green plant that at first I didn’t know what to do with.  And as it grew, so did I. As it changed, I changed a little. I grew happier. I worried less. I even found new friendships.

            But all of these things were nothing to the new knowledge I had come to know. I woke one morning and instead of waking grudgingly, thinking about what I had to do that day, I thought something I felt very unusual at first. I thought, “How lucky are we to live in a time where we have the Atonement made by Jesus Christ, rather than in a time before it.” And as I’ve been learning of Baptisms and Baptisms of the Dead, I think, “How lucky are we to live in a time after the Restoration of this church, rather than before it.” And I’m glad to be alive in this day and age. I’m glad to be baptized today.

            So I must say, “It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.” And I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

As I read the scripture, I was surprised that I didn't stammer once as I read them. I usually stammer over the unusual grammar and phrases in the Book of Mormon or the Bible but this morning, I felt the words slide across my tongue smoothly.

After the baptism, we munched on cookies brought by Sister Evans and we talked. I overheard several guys telling Sammy, "You got a good girl there," They don't know that I'm the lucky one. And before we left, Sammy and I kissed and several Sisters behind us made lil' noises. "Now I don't have to ask!" one cried. Lol. Its so funny.

So yeah, my confirmation is tomorrow. Sammy's gonna do that too. He's great. And yes, for those who haven't quite gotten it yet, we've been dating officially a week now but by as much time as we've spent together, its been more like three.

Christmas and New Years

Wow, did the holidays fly on by. It's kinda insane, you know? I mean, its just crazy.

Christmas was small, just the immediate family. Unusually, my family got me a Nintendo DS for Christmas and my best friend, Nakia got me some games to go along with it. I also got a gold angel necklace with the Angel Prayer on the back of it. I haven't taken the necklace off since I got it and I'm nearly addicted to Nintendogs and I've gotten halfway through Kingdom Hearts. Can't wait to finish it.
The next Sunday, I got to talking to this guy, Sammy D, during the Munch and Mingle after church. He asked me if I was going Swing Dancing. I had to stop and think. This guy has sat next to me during the last two Sundays during Gospel Principles class and now he was talking to me about a dance on Friday. I looked up at him and thought, "Dude, you're flirting with me, aren't you?" It had been a while, but I still know how to flirt. Stupid giggling. A lot of "Oh, really?"s. And a bit of that thing where you pay attention to someone else while they're talking. I still have no idea why this works and most of the time I'm doing it by accident. Boys are weird.
So he was to pick me up at 7:30 and we'd go dancing. But until then, I was left questioning, was this a date or just a Mormon boy being nice and going out to hang out?
New Years Eve came and Nakia and I took a lil trip out to Old Sacramento to participate in the festivities. While there, we got a couple of quotes from tattoo artists and I've finally picked mine. We're hoping to get an appointment for Jan 15. Can't wait.
While in Old Sac, Sammy called. Now we were going to dinner. Date, no doubt now. lol.
So Nakia and I explored our favorite place and you'd be amazed how packed this place is on New Years Eve. Especially "Candy Heaven." It was difficult to move around while sampling my favorite caramels.
Sammy picked me up at 6 and we went to dinner, talking more than eating, and then it was off to this old Dance Studio in Downtown Sac on K Street, not far from Old Sac. The first hour consisted of a lesson where they taught us the dance. It was an old school dance, the kind you see on TV during old 50s movies. Some people were even doing the Charleston. It was insane and I was sooooo bad at it! And him! He could have told me before I began to embarrass myself that he's been doing this since he was 14! 8 years of dance?!
I finally started to the hang of it and on the dance floor upstairs, he showed me some more moves, complicating this already complicated dance even further. It was way too much fun! I loved it, even when I was messing up. At the end of each song, he'd spin me in so that his arm was around me and my back was to him and we'd stay like that until we caught our breaths. When my feet began to hurt or when his ankle began to give trouble, we'd find a seat and talk. He told me how his parents met and how he was born in France, the youngest of six.
Five minutes until the ball dropped, we were all given a glass of sparkling cider and outside the window, the fireworks over Old Sac started. I've stayed up for a lot of New Years but I've never really enjoyed it like this. It was just: "It's dropping.... it's done? Okay, going to bed."
We kept dancing until 12:30 before deciding to go home. We sat in the car in front of my house for I don't know how long, listening to music and talking. When on my front porch step, I took the move.... and missed. I hugged him and reached up, kissing him on the corner of his mouth. It was dark and that hid the embarrassment. It was 2 in the morning when I walked in.
The whole ten months I was with Umiker, I never had a date that was so much fun. I mean, we never even went to prom or out to eat. It was always just hanging at his house, in his room, watching TV or being made fun of.
I'm going hiking with Sammy tomorrow. I can't wait.
Oh! And I've picked the date for my baptism! So I hope to see you all at the Weismann building on Jan 22, 11am!
Well, now I have to start my new commission piece. $110.00, sweet huh?

Temples, Flash Mobs, and Evacuations, Oh My!

The last few days, what insanity! And to think I'm about to type it all. Take a restroom break, grab a snack, this is gonna be a LOOOOOONG one!
*waits for all readers to return*
All right? Ready? Well hurry up then! Okay! Here we go!

Saturday: The Temple Trip.
So the church rented a "party bus" and after cleaning the YSA church house, we took the 2 hour trek out to Oakland to visit the Temple there. We took a tour of the Christmas lights.

It was wet, and foggy and sooooo pretty in person but unfortionately, terrible for cameras! We went into the Visitor's Center to watch the Joesph Smith movie, at the end of which, I was soooo mad! No one told me he was killed! Not cool!
After the movie and after we stuffed outselves with pizza, we explored the grounds again and I took a ton of pictures, all of which can be found on my facebook. Because of the wetness, we sought shelter within the Visitor's Center once more and looked at all the pretty paintings. It was during which, I was approached by a sister missionary with probably one of the most interesting accents I've ever heard. What it was, I regret to say, I don't know. I must have talked with her for more than half an hour, telling her about my life and how it was that I began to seek the church. And she showed me a scripture I hadn't gotten to yet (I'm still reading Mosiah) and its now my new favorite:

Now, we will compare the word

unto a seed. Now, if ye give place,

that a seed may be planted in your

heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or

a good seed, if ye do not cast it out

by your unbelief, that ye will resist

the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will

begin to swell within your breasts;

and when you feel these swelling

motions, ye will begin to say within

yourselves - It must needs be that

this is a good seed, or that the word

is good, for it beginneth to en-

lighten my understanding, yea, it

beginneth to be delicious to me.

- ALMA 32:28

I'm actually thinking of drawing or even trying my hand at painting something to represent this scripture. Yes, I think I shall.

We arrived back at the church house and President Evans drove some of us girls home. He was chatty and asked us our favorite parts.

I had a lot of fun and I wish the Sac Temple was as nice and had a Visitor's Center. I also wish it was accesible by the train that passes it on my way to work.

Unfortionately, when I came home, the happiness left me. I went outside to feed my rabbits. I only have two left as one died last year and two I found good homes. I opened Coppers' cage and he didn't run to his bowl and give me his funny little attitude. He laid on his side. I poked him and he did not move. I set aside the scoop of food and shook him. He was very stiff. I only sighed and gave both servings of food to Snowflake. I think she was pleased. I came inside and to my mother, I said, "He's dead,"

"Little Girl?" she asked. It's Snowflake's nickname.

"No, Big Boy," That was Coppers' nickname.

I couldn't bury him. It was too cold and too dark. Its difficult to dig holes when the ground is cold and difficult to see what you're digging into when its dark. But I couldn't sleep knowing he would go soft by morning and it would be difficult to handle him. Around 2 30 in the morning, I got out of bed, I fetched a garbage bag and went outside and placed him inside. He was still very stiff. He felt like a stuffed rabbit and his eyes hadn't even glazed over yet.

Sunday: Services and the Baptism of Samantha and Cortnie.

It was the first time I've ever partaken in Sacrament yesterday and I hope I can keep the promise. So far, I've already cursed a few too many times. President Evans seemed to presiding or hosting or however its done. I don't fully understand just yet. Its funny because this isn't even his stake. But he's friendly with the YSA and I think he was there for the baptism and the confirmation of another girl, Lauren. It was a very interesting day and it showed a lot of what I am getting myself into.

He began to talk about the Oakland trip and then, came the surprise.

"I was taking a group of Sisters home and I was asking them of their favorite parts and I was surprised. At the temple, we watched the Joesph Smith movie and it was very uplifting and full of The Spirit and when I asked this, they each expressed that that was their favorite part. But I was surprised by one of their answers. She is a none member..."

My head whipped from side to side, turning to each girl who had been in the car. No! Each of them had been baptized! They had all been raised in the Church! I was the Odd Man Out!

"... and when I asked her, she expressed that her favorite part was talking to one of the Sister Missionaries. This Sister had come from another country ..."

It was odd how I felt at the moment as he continued and never used my name to my relief. I seemed to tunnel vision, almost, in utter shock. He had qouted me, qouted something I had seen as no big deal and had actually forgotten ever saying it until he had said it. It was so interesting, that feeling.

Classes went on and after the three hour block, we were asked to stay for the baptism. Poor Cortnie had to be baptized twice because she panicked and her knees flailed upwards. It was funny as she ran out of the water and she was out of our sight but we all could hear her slip and begin to giggle and as Ashton was forced to tell her she needed to come back because of her knees, we could hear her voice: "Are you serious?!"

I'm sure my hair will betray me during my baptism. Maybe I should consider braiding it to make it heavier.

By time I was home, it was already dark and still, I could not bury my poor rabbit.

Monday: Flash Mob and FHE

Coppers was buried this morning. I am grateful that I bagged him because he had already become a bag of rotting meat and maggots. It would have been too heart breaking to bury him had I not bagged him.

Today was the day of the flash mob. I've been waiting all week for it but I could not find a ride to it so instead, I went caroling with the YSA. We sang at several member houses and even at some non member houses. It was fun. One house, as we began to sing: "Bring us some figgy pudding," we were all surprised to recieve a large plate of homemade toffee! I do believe this family was forwarned!

I got home and dad realed in with the questions. "Hey, were you guys singing at that flash mob?"

"I was supposed to but I forgot to find a ride before hand and I couldn't go."

"It's a good thing you didn't!"

"What happened?"

What happened, indeed! The mall had been evacuated because of the flash mob. Apparently there were too many participating and the mall began to collapse in a sense. Allow me to explain that this is the same mall that was just recently reopened after nearly being burned to the ground last month. Rebuilt too hastily perhaps?

Here's the News Article courtesty of the Sac Bee

Well, so thats that. I think now, I'll go out and continue watching the Lunar Eclipse. It's almost full now.

Cool, huh?

Shoved to the Ground. Get to Your Feet.

"I'mma be what I set out to be
without a doubt undoubtedly."

"And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Gonna put my life together right now"

Both quotes from "Not Afraid" by Eminem

So yeah, kinda stuck on an Eminem binge lately. Just so irritated now! I'm sitting here, staying up, waiting for my school's website to stop giving me this bloody error:

System Unavailable

We are experiencing technical problems with our eServices and online class search sites. We hope to have the problems fixed soon. Please check back frequently.

And this all started this morning, (Dec 13 so technically yesterday morning) trying to check on my enrollment. They told me it wouldn't officially enroll me until today and when I go to check on it, 2 of my classes are filled and I'm not in 'em! So yeah, super pissed. Okay, whatever. I check again when I get home from FHE, ALL of my classes are filled.
So I check other classes, check the same classes at other campuses. I find Fiction Writing Workshop available at SCC and just I hit "Enroll," the damned thing gives me this bloody error. So if I wait till morning, someone might have filled it and I lost out... again. So I'm staying up and I don't know how long this is going to take. I'm sick and tired of this BS!

On the lighter note. Going to the Temple on Saturday with the YSA to see the pretty lights and watch the Joesph Smith movie in the Theater there. So bringing my camera for this one!
Oh, Oh! AND!!! I got invited to participate in a Flash Mob at the Roseville Gallery! I'm so freaking excited! We're gonna walk into the food court and just randomly start singing Christmas songs. Gonna be AWESOME!
Oh AND!!!!!!! I get to watch this chick, Courtney's, Baptism after services, the coming Sunday.

*Deep breath*
Okay, overly excited.
*Refreshes page*
And the system is STILL down. ARGH!