My Shattered Pieces

"You didn't know Caleb too well so why does it affect you like it does?" she asked me. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I didn't know you like I wish I had. I got to know you far better through your death than I ever did while you were still alive. I wish it hadn't have been that way. I wish I had made the effort to reach out to you like I had reached out to so much of the family.
I draw pictures of you, I find and put together pictures, I even have a cake for you every time your birthday comes around. I do it in my attempts to make up for the time I lost, the time we all lost. I miss you. I miss watching you build your models and I miss playing with them those times you would let me and maybe even sometimes when you didn't. My memory isn't the greatest when it comes to that period of my life. I love you and through your death, you've taught me that life is beautiful and family must be cherished while we still have this time on this earth. I hate that it took death for me to learn this. Its that stupid selfishness of mine.
At night, I lay beside your picture and by your ashes. It eats me up inside really and sometimes I want to go out into the living room and sleep on the couch. Tonight, though, I want to be close to you. Three years that you've been gone and I still wait for you to come out of hiding and yell, "April Fools!" But you can't yell from inside Dad's flask or from the small collections your other siblings keep of you or even from Gram's urn. You're gone and to this day, its difficult for me to say those words aloud. You're gone.
I woke up that morning, feeling sick and I remember walking to school with an empty feeling in my gut. We played vollyball that day and I was dizzy. The feeling lingered with me for the entire day, even as I walked home. Mom was acting strange and jokingly, I asked, "Who died?" I'll never say those words again. Not like that. I miss you, Caleb. For months, the pieces of the plate Dad broke stayed on the back porch. I don't know who finally cleaned it up or when. I kinda wish they were still there. I can see them when I close my eyes.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you. I fear forgetting you even though I know I never will. I love you. I always will. Until we meet again, I will forever miss you.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.