Ulcering Holidays

They begin in November and carry on until January. They bring family together only to drive them apart. Most of us continue to celebrate it simply because we feel we must and that our choice is taken from us by social norms.
I found I love the Holidays, really. But how I despise the Holidays with my immediate family. Its a war.
We've decided on a small Thanksgiving with just the four of us. Our packed up house creates a terrible eye sore and a depression in my mother. It creates frustration for me because I haven't seen most of my belongings in over 6 months now. Gosh, has it been that long already?
The only bright side I can find in the fights is the comfort of knowing my life is finally going in a direction that I like. I have a part time job, I'm getting ready for next semester's classes, and I'll be scheduling times to meet with home teachers soon. Eventually, of course, I'll need to resume my sessions with Dr. Cann but for now, my new self therapy seems to be working.
Well, it seems I have less to say than I initially thought. Wish me luck this Thanksgiving.
What are guys doing for the Holidays? And another thing, Cort has got me thinking about starting a Vlog. Maybe you'll hear and see from me soon!

Within the Mind's Shadows of Spirituality

My feet carefully test each rock, pressing down on it. If it should sift through the soft sand, I won't use it. I'm beginning to remember which rocks hold strong. I descend the steep clif side in this manner. If I should fall, I might tumble through the sand and rocks to hit a boulder or tree or even fall into the rapid water. It is not dangerous but there is no harm in being careful.
I take my seat on the flattest boulder and remove the book my bag. I open it, and realize I've forgotten her instructions so I put it down again and fold my arms. When I've said the words, I pick up the book again and flip to my favorite verse thus far:

"And after they had tasted of

the fruit they were ashamed, be-

cause of those that were scoffing at

them; and they fell away into

forbidden paths and were lost."

I ponder these words and I think of those who would be my "scoffers" if they knew that I was here and that this is what I am reading... if they knew the life change I am considering. Some of them are my closest of friends.

The Bold One emerges from the river and her presense darkens this place. I am swept off to the Shadows. The Bold One stands in the ocean and she watches me. "Your whole life will change; everything you stand for," she says.

"This is a social change, really," I say. "How I view this world won't change all that much."

"Everything will change."

"For the better, maybe?"

"To who's opinion? Theirs?"

I considered her words. I chuckled. "Why must I always second guess myself?"

"You know I'm usually right," the Bold One growled. "I was right about him, about the stupid move."

I turned my wrist over. "I've gained a lot from my mistakes."

I flip the pages and turn to where I last left off. I wish I had taken the time to read more. I look at the painting and turn it sideways to read the description:

"Young Nephi subdues his rebellious brothers."

I laugh. "I should subdue you," I tell the Bold One. I read on. I feel lightened as I read and I enjoy each time a finish a chapter, close the book and my mind is clear. The Bold One's lips are sewn shut again, as if whenever I take a day not to read, her lips are loosened and I question myself.

My Shattered Pieces

"You didn't know Caleb too well so why does it affect you like it does?" she asked me. Well, that's just it, isn't it? I didn't know you like I wish I had. I got to know you far better through your death than I ever did while you were still alive. I wish it hadn't have been that way. I wish I had made the effort to reach out to you like I had reached out to so much of the family.
I draw pictures of you, I find and put together pictures, I even have a cake for you every time your birthday comes around. I do it in my attempts to make up for the time I lost, the time we all lost. I miss you. I miss watching you build your models and I miss playing with them those times you would let me and maybe even sometimes when you didn't. My memory isn't the greatest when it comes to that period of my life. I love you and through your death, you've taught me that life is beautiful and family must be cherished while we still have this time on this earth. I hate that it took death for me to learn this. Its that stupid selfishness of mine.
At night, I lay beside your picture and by your ashes. It eats me up inside really and sometimes I want to go out into the living room and sleep on the couch. Tonight, though, I want to be close to you. Three years that you've been gone and I still wait for you to come out of hiding and yell, "April Fools!" But you can't yell from inside Dad's flask or from the small collections your other siblings keep of you or even from Gram's urn. You're gone and to this day, its difficult for me to say those words aloud. You're gone.
I woke up that morning, feeling sick and I remember walking to school with an empty feeling in my gut. We played vollyball that day and I was dizzy. The feeling lingered with me for the entire day, even as I walked home. Mom was acting strange and jokingly, I asked, "Who died?" I'll never say those words again. Not like that. I miss you, Caleb. For months, the pieces of the plate Dad broke stayed on the back porch. I don't know who finally cleaned it up or when. I kinda wish they were still there. I can see them when I close my eyes.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you. I fear forgetting you even though I know I never will. I love you. I always will. Until we meet again, I will forever miss you.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.