Hostilities

Its ebbing inside of me again, this despair, this dislike for myself. And as these feelings of dislike enter my mind, I begin to remember what I've learned in the last few months, knowing that I shouldn't be doing this to myself and I hate myself even more. Oh, the joy of endless spirals, roller coasters if you will.
I feel it more day by day, this hostility, these feeling of being unwanted at home. So I spend all of my time outside of the house, I spend time with Sammy, I go to school, to church, to Nakia's house. And why does this make things worse for me the few times that I am home? My mother dislikes me as a person and my father dislikes my being home. I feel sick inside as I wake in the mornings, hearing them speak about me so I pretend to sleep, lying in bed until Mom goes to work and Dad goes back to bed for his nap. Often times, I end up falling asleep before these things happen and when I wake again, I hate that I've wasted much of my day.
I pray for help, help with employment. I fasted three times in a two week period for this. Now that I have found employment, I now worried about how I'm to find appointments to schedule and also how I'm to juggle this into my already complicated schedule. I need this job to pay well, well enough for a small apartment but even apartments in CA require a room-mate. I need to be away from this environment. Its poison to me. I love my family, but I've truly had enough of this.